PhobosAnomaly

Risky joke - could get a laugh, could get you a meeting with HR without biscuits. It’s worth a punt though if you know your audience!

If you make the joke a bit more explicit it tends to get a few more laughs, like “this one goes out to the tireless administrators, creative engineers, fantastic embeds… and Paul”.

Only pull those stunts if you’re happy to get the piss taken out of you in return though, else you’ll look like a right tosser.

An old boss of mine started most group conversations with “right then you cunts…” and it was set the tone straight away. No bullshit, no egos, and no dragging on the conversation. Top fella actually, one of the best leaders I’ve had. We were his cunts, and he was our better-paid cunt.

We had another bloke who was a proper cockney boy. If you were in his good books, you were a “geezer”, and if you’d ruined his day then you were a “slaaaaag”.

I’m guilty of addressing my squad from my very junior managerial position as “alright my dudes”, which on the surface of it sounds very male-leaning, but I think since the 90s “dude” has become as gender-neutral as they come.

That, or you could go full Karl Jobst and kick off with “hello you absolute legends …”

Teaching my dog the “kiss” command has been one of the best things ever.

Even when he’s turbo excited to see me, a quick “sit” followed by a “kiss” gets him pointing his nose in the air so I can kiss it.

He’s a good boy.

stigma boi, stigma boi, stigma boooooi

Executive summary: don’t be a dickhead

In secondary school, we always had the rumour that if you blew into a woman’s vagina then it would kill her.

It was received with more hilarity than sensibility… though it did mean that future oral sex was delivered with a little less exhalation.

Then, it turns out you can kill a girl by blowing into her minge and middle age dudes creased with laughter again, as if the previous 20 years of maturity never happened.

Pass. I could write my historical knowledge of television shows on an ant’s cock in black marker. Best to check first!

If that sort of thing entertains you, you should check out Time Bandits (it’s from Apple TV originally I think but can be found on the high seas no drama), and one of the story threads deals with a girl of early secondary school age, left in a prehistoric time - and she ascends to being a leader, educating her tribe with her 2020’s saaarh laaahndan banter.

When they head back to find her, the tribe are all conversing like a mob of youths outside a McDonald’s on a Saturday afternoon. It’s absolutely brilliantly written and well worth a watch.

Yeah good spot. I never actually paid much attention to it. It was the first one of a similar pattern that I saw on the Google Shopping listings.

Awesome. I didn’t even have to say “I wanna be in the screenshot”!

It’s very tempting.

Yeah man. For the most part, people are thrown together for an eight or ten or twelve hour stint in work, so I guess you might as well try and get on with the folk you’re paired or teamed with, if only to make the time burn down that little quicker.

Sure, there’s the extreme groups either side of the social spectrum that either want literally nothing to do with you outside what’s mandated by the workplace - that’s fine, that’s their choice. There’s folk who make being at work and entirely social affair - which is fine until their weight isn’t being pulled.

I guess nobody really wants to work, so you might as well turn every possible element into an advantage to make it that bit more bearable - and every now and then you’ll meet a really good spud that turns into a nice person both in work and out. It’s rare, but it does happen.

Workplaces are just a different human setting: there’s assholes, diamonds, liars and lifesavers in equal measure.

I’m not planning on a burial, but those biodegradable cardboard coffins look pretty awesome, and they’re (comparatively) cheap as fuck too.

My plan is to get cremated - but it would be great to either sneak in some petrol into the casket, or pay the funeral directors to go for a two minute walk while someone packs my casket with fireworks or other low-explosive compounds.

At best, it’ll put on one last show - and at worst it’ll give the crematorium staff member a hell of a shock.

All you had to do, was pick a damn distro CJ.

As shift workers will warmly relate to, coming off a nightshift on a Monday morning when it’s pissing down with rain, and getting into bed while the rest of the world is getting up is one of the greatest pleasures known to humankind.

Yes it’s smug, yes it’s a very niche pleasure, but it ranks somewhere up there with sex, toothache relief, and stopping a microwave before it beeps in terms of satisfaction.

95 was an innovator if anything, ahead of pretty much anything else on desktop at the time, even if it DID fart and die whenever someone looked at it funny.

com/com 😂

nice

Specifically, process niceness - a very basic view is how “nice” a process is at handing over control to the CPU scheduler when asked to.

It’s a similar situation as when your mam (the scheduler) tells you to give up the SNES (the process) because you (the CPU) need to do the homework (another process), the dishwasher (another process) and the bins (another process) - but the SNES is saying “just thirty more seconds bro, and the boss will be done”.

edit: in context, these function keys manually force the niceness value up or down, determining whether the process allows you to finish the boss and give up the CPU at a more appropriate time, or whether the scheduler is like “nah absolutely not, homework, now”.

edit edit: my assumption is that this is a process manager app anyway, else the rest of the above is bollocks

Matt Turk

Champion Pete Sampras Tennis player 1998

plastic is stored in the balls